Jen’s Journal

If you know anything about me, you’re probably thinking to yourself right now: “Why in the world is Jen writing a blog post about marriage?!  She doesn’t even have a boyfriend!  And she doesn’t want to get married!”  No, my friends, I have not run off to Vegas to get hitched while away from St. Louis.  I have, however, been thinking about the topic of marriage.  Marriage to God.

Now, before you get carried away with visions of nuns in wedding gowns, let me explain.  For the last several months, my spiritual life has been, well, less than ideal.  With school and work and tiredness to occupy my time, prayer has kind of taken a back seat in my life.  I still shoot off a few words to God here and there, but it’s not the same as taking out some time to really be with God, to listen to him, to give my attention to him.  And so I’ve felt disconnected from God.  Not because I feel like God is absent, but because I know that I am absent.  A realization of this predicament of mine hit me in June.  And I said to myself, “Okay, what am I going to do?  I don’t feel close to God.  I know that I haven’t been given him the time of day.  I have to make a decision here.”  Unfortunately, my initial desire was to say “well, I just don’t feel like spending time with God right now, so maybe we should just call it quits for a bit.”  And this is where I learned an important lesson about both God and marriage.

You see, I think that my situation with God is what happens in a lot of marriages today.  Spouses get busy, they get preoccupied with various things, and they fail to really make time for each other.  Yeah, they say hello and shoot off a few words here and there in between work and little league practice and the latest episode of CSI, but that isn’t enough to sustain their relationship.  Over time, other people, other activities grab more and more of their attention until they get to a point where they ask themselves “Who even is this person that I’m married to?  I don’t feel close to them like I used to.  And honestly, I’m not sure that I even want to.  I just don’t feel like spending time with them anymore.  Maybe we should take a little break from each other for a while.  Or, he probably won’t mind if I spend some time with X on the side.  What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

Fortunately, with God, divorce isn’t really an option.  We kind of need him for everything.  And God always knows when we are being unfaithful to him.  Don’t believe me?  Just read some of the prophets!  So, I realized that, even though I didn’t feel like spending time with God, even though it would be easier to try to forget about God, I had to choose something else.  I had to remember my commitment to God, I had to think about all that God had done for me, I had to remind myself of who I am and who God is.  And I had to choose to work at my relationship with God, rather than abandon it.

This choosing to work at a relationship isn’t an easy thing.  It requires a commitment from both parties, sometimes against feelings.  And it’s sometimes hard to get both people to agree that the marriage is worth the effort.  Fortunately, with God, this latter issue is never a problem.  We can be sure that God is always willing to do his part and more to help us to be in relationship with him.  So, we still have to make some effort on our part to seek and respond to God’s grace, but at least we know that we’re not alone.

Where does this all leave me now?  Well, I’m still trying to get myself moving on the spending time with God thing.  I can’t say that I’ve been entirely successful yet.  But, I renew my commitment each day.  And I make sure that the few words that I do get off to God each day include a prayer for his grace in this matter since I know that I can’t do anything without him.  My feelings are even coming around, too, as I see more and more how much I want to be in relationship with God.  So, I think it’s a start.  Hopefully, this long, slow, beautiful dance called life with God will progress well.  And hopefully I’ll learn more and more how to make the choice to love as time goes on, rather than relying on warm, fuzzy feelings and selfish desire.

The Spring semester at AI may be over, but that doesn’t mean that my life has gotten any less hectic!  These past few weeks have been pretty busy with me training for my new job at AI, starting my summer class at SLU, celebrating my birthday, and searching for a new apartment.  The busyness doesn’t look like it will be letting up any time soon, either, since I’ve finally found an apartment and will be moving this coming weekend!  Whew!  I’ll need to stop and catch my breath when June rolls around!  Fortunately, the busyness has been good busyness, however.  My job has been exciting, my birthday was fun, and I’m so happy that I’ve settled my living situation for the next year!  My class at SLU could be better (and involve less work), but it’s not awful.  So, yeah, things are moving along nicely.

I hope that your summers are starting off well, too.  It’s always nice to enjoy the sun and summer breeze before it gets unbearably hot later in the year.  I think that’s why May is one of my favorite months.  The weather is usually really nice no matter where you are.  The fact that my birthday (and the birthdays of lots of friends) is in May makes this a nice month as well, of course.  And, hey, it’s the month of Mary, too!  Pretty cool.

Well, I’m off to do more packing for my move.  As the new student assistant in the admissions office, I’ve taken over the visit@ai.edu email account, so don’t hesitate to drop me a line if you have any questions or concerns.  Peace.

Well, I have officially finished my first year of graduate school!  The end was a little more crazy than I thought it would be, but I got everything done and made it through.

Yesterday was graduation day here, with 56ish students earning various graduate certificates and degrees.  There was a baccalaureate Mass in the morning at College Church, and then the conferral of degrees took place at the Church in the evening, followed by a reception at AI.  The ceremonies were really nice, and it was cool to see Fr. Rick preside over his first graduation as President.

Today there is a kickball party for the graduates at Tower Grove Park, and then tomorrow, two of our brothers (Simon Felix and Kevin) will be ordained to the priesthood!  How exciting!  Tomorrow is also Pentecost of course and Mother’s Day and the birthday of one of my friends!  Lots of celebrations!  Should be fun.

On Monday, it’s back to work as I transition into my new position as Admissions’ Student Worker.  Yes, that’s right, Katie will be moving on to concentrate on CPE this summer and her last semester of studies in the Fall.  She’s done a great job with admissions so I have big shoes to fill!  Hopefully I’ll do a good job and be of help to the school.

As for the rest of the summer, I’ll be starting a class at SLU on May 19th (my birthday), and that will run until the end of June.  I’ll also be working at AI during that time.  After June, I plan to go home to Maryland for a month or so, and then before I know it, it will be time to come back for another year of fun!

The notion of God-given gifts or charisms seems to be popping up in my life a lot lately, and this has gotten me thinking: How does one know how one is supposed to cultivate a particular gift? How does one know how and when one should use a particular gift? Is it possible to waste one’s gifts even if one is committed to following God?

Let me get into some particulars here. In Lay Formation this semester, we did this spiritual gifts inventory thing, which is basically a test that is supposed to help you discern what some of your gifts might me. My top gifts, unsurprisingly, turned out to be writing, knowledge, and celibacy (if that doesn’t sound like a Dominican vocation, then I don’t know what does?!). I refer to these gifts as unsurprising because, well, they have been affirmed by other sources. Lots of people have told me that I write well and I’ve seen how writing is a beneficial tool for both me and hopefully others. I also know that I love to study and learn and share my knowledge with others. And I’m not big on looking for a boyfriend. If we put the celibacy part on the side, though, the question is, how am I supposed to use my gifts for writing and knowledge? Some of my professors have really insisted that I should go on to doctoral studies when I get done at AI since I have the ability to do the work. I don’t deny that I could probably do the work and that a doctorate might be somewhere down the line for me, but I’m not sure that I want to go right into doctoral work after AI. In fact, at this point, what looks like the best next step for me is entering religious life. Now, there are some people who would totally disagree with this position, suggesting things like: “If you enter religious life, it might be years before you can do doctoral work, and that’s if they allow you to do it at all!” or “Make sure you choose a more modern community that will allow you to be educated and teach in higher education, just like a man/priest.” Part of me sees where these responses are coming from. People don’t want me to waste my gifts. I don’t want to waste them either. But, if I make religious life a priority over doctoral work, do you really think that God will be upset that I’m “wasting my gifts?” Wouldn’t God be happy that I am devoting my life to him and wouldn’t he most likely make sure that my gifts aren’t wasted? I mean, what good is it for me to “use my gifts” if I am not using them according to God’s will and plan? Wouldn’t it make more sense for me to offer myself fully to God, trusting that he will use me in the best way possible, according to who I am and the gifts that I’ve been given?

The temptation is there for me to pursue what the world sees as the best way to use my gifts, but I think that I ultimately have to trust God’s providence on this one. If when I am done my degree here, it seems like the best next step for me is doctoral work, then I’ll assume that God is leading me in that direction. But, if the next best step seems to be entering religious life, then I think that I have to go that route, trusting that God will not let my gifts go to waste. If that means never getting a doctorate, then maybe that will mean that God wanted me to use my gifts in some capacity that didn’t require that degree. As long as I am doing God’s will, nothing else matters. I know that I will be happy.

This is my last post for the day; I promise!  (It’s funny how interesting things seem to come up all at once)

The end of the semester is quickly approaching and that means lots and lots of work.  I have a paper due for my class on the Gospel of Mark this Thursday.  I have a paper due for morality the following Thursday.  Somewhere after that I have a Christology project/paper due.  And then I have an exam for Sacramental and Theological Foundations for Ministry, a short paper for Lay Formation, and an oral group exam for morality.  Sound like enough??

Pray for me and all students as we finish up another semester of seeking knowledge of the truth.  I’m sure we could all use a little God-inspired motivation!

I just saw an article online today about a new study conducted by CARA (Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate) on attitudes and beliefs regarding Sacraments, prayer, and other practices of the faith.  Some of the study’s findings were positive, but probably the biggest concerns that I had are that millenial Catholics (those born after 1981) were the largest of the generations surveyed to strongly agree that they could be good Catholics without attending Mass each week (38%), less than a quarter of all those surveyed said that they attended Mass once a week, and 30% of those surveyed said they go to confession less than once a year, while 45% said that they never made a Sacramental confession.  This disconnect between participation in the Sacraments and believing and living the faith is disturbing to me.  As the CARA study itself concluded, “frequency of Mass attendance is a strong indicator of the general importance of Catholicism in a person’s life and of his or her level of commitment to living out the faith.”  The Sacraments are really essential to the faith, and it is disturbing to me that many Catholics don’t see this.  Not only this, but the Sacraments are wonderful gifts given to us by God to help us in our journey towards communion with him/everlasting life/a share in his divine life.  Why would we want to reject these gifts?!  I don’t know if there is bad cathechesis going on or what, but somehow the message clearly isn’t getting across.

This year seems to be quite the year for celebrations, especially when it comes to ministry in the Church.  This past Thursday, the AI community celebrated the 50th anniversaries of religious profession for Sister Carla Mae Streeter and Sister Pat Chaffee, both Racine Dominicans (although I think Pat’s anniversary was actually last year).  Unbeknownst to most at the time, Thursday was also George Boudreau, O.P.’s Silver Jubilee as a priest (25 years).  And today, we celebrated the 30th anniversary of Fr. Harry Byrne, O.P.’s ordination and the 40th anniversary of Fr. David Wright, O.P.’s ordination!  That’s 195 years of service to the Lord and his Church if you add it all up!  How cool!  And, Fr. Tom McGonigle O.P., the current Director of the Center for Catholic and Dominican Studies at Providence College and former president of AI, also celebrates his 40th anniversary of ordination this year too (yep, he was in David’s class)!  So many faithful men and women!  It is people like these who inspire me and help me to believe that the Church is in good hands, despite all the difficulties.  Yes, the Church is human and imperfect and sinful at times, but it is also graced and full of willing and dedicated servants of God.  The Shepherd truly watches over his flock through men and women like these!

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve posted on here. I suppose spring break and Easter have something to do with that, along with the busyness of the semester. But, I’m back now and rarin’ to go for the remainder of this semester.

Speaking of Spring Break, I had a really good time this year visiting the Dominican Sisters in Justice, Illinois. They are a Polish congregation and, while they’ve been in the US for 80 years, they are just now starting to develop US vocations. The best way that I can describe the community is “traditional and pious, but down-t0-earth and human.” They really were very joyful and seemed to know how to joke and have fun. And they are of course thoroughly Dominican, which I love! It was definitely nice to be introduced to this community, and I hope to visit again in the future.

For our short Easter break, I went home to Maryland for a few days to be with my family. While it was a short trip, it was nice to be home and see my dogs and relax. The break definitely left me recharged which is exactly what I needed in order to attack the rest of this semester. I have two difficult papers to complete - one on the salt sayings in the Gospel of Mark and one on whether the government has a moral obligation to provide its people with access to mental health care - and a Christology paper/project. I know I’ll get all the work done and will learn a lot in the process, but the next few weeks will definitely be intense.

In the meantime, I currently am on an admissions trip with Dave Werthman, AI’s admission’s director. We are visiting my alma mater Providence College in RI to introduce students to AI and give them some information about doing ministry. I love being able to tell people how much I love AI and what a great experience I am having in grad school!

Well, that’s about it for now. I promise to update again soon!

Tomorrow (or I guess later today since it\’s after midnight) is the big day! Fr. Rick gets installed as the 7th President of AI!

There will an academic convocation along with morning prayer at 10am at St. Pius, followed by lunch at AI. And then there will be the installation Mass at 7pm at St. Pius, followed by refreshments at AI. I have to work at the events at AI, but I think it will be a really great celebration. I am happy for Fr. Rick and wish him all the best as president! He’s a good man.

Sometimes in life, we have to make difficult decisions. And that’s just what I had to do in the last week or so. After a crazy week of school where I had something due in every single class, I realized about a week ago that I just couldn’t keep up with this semester and maintain my sanity at the same time. There was just too much to do (with class and work and life) and not enough time to do it. The most obvious solution to this dilemma would be to drop a class. But dropping a class would bring with it some consequences that I wasn’t sure I was ready to accept. Most importantly, dropping a class and limiting myself to 12-13 credits a semester instead of 14+ would mean that I definitely could not finish my degree in only 3 years like I had planned. It may not seem like a big deal to take some extra time to finish a degree - I mean, people take 5 years for college all the time these days, right? - but the fact that the school technically considers their M.Div. program to be a 3 year thing really cut into my pride. What would it say about me and my academic abilities if I had to take “extra” time to finish my degree?  Was I just not good enough?

Fortunately, God allowed good sense to win out over my pride. I figured, what good would it be for me to drive myself crazy racing through this program just to get a piece of paper when I could take a little extra time, save my sanity, and really enjoy and get something out of my classes? I’m not in this program just because I need some letters behind my name in order to get a job. I’m in this program to learn and to be formed as a minister in the Church. That takes time. And it requires all of me, not a stressed out, overwhelmed shadow of me.

So, I made the difficult decision and dropped one of my classes. It was still difficult to actually go through with it, especially since I really like the professor and the topic is one that I would still like to study at some point. But, I know that I made a good decision. It was such a relief to know that my life would be more manageable. And it felt great to have all of that pressure of getting this done in 3 years off of me. I definitely feel at peace and am glad that God made it clear to me what path I should follow.