Journal of Michelle Smith

Today I completed my application for graduation…this coming May. I am so excited and yet torn about this stage in my life coming to an end.  Okay, so I know the song, “Closing Time”, says, “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”  I get it, but it doesn’t make me any less anxious about what comes next.

I am so blessed to have been afforded the opportunity by Aquinas Institute of Theology to “tell my story” at least three different ways during these past few years:  first, with this blog; second with an article that was written about me by the Office of Communications during my first year and now, I’ve been invited to write for Signatures that will be published this Spring by Aquinas’ Communications Office. I feel honored and humbled to once again be able to share my journey of faith with people.

That being said, this week was the first week of the last semester of school for me! I am taking Supervised Practice of Ministry II (SPM II), Sacramental and Theological Foundations of Ministry, Lay Formation IV and Integrative Seminar.   For SPM II, I will continue my ministry at Lydia’s House, a place of healing and hope for women and children surviving domestic violence, one of the largest transitional housing agencies of this type in the country that provides services and supports to people who so often get abused through institutionalized oppression (another blog perhaps)…don’t get me started on how we actually have more animal shelters than shelters for human beings, though!

A great deal of my time at Aquinas has focused on Theological Reflection (TR) of some sort and that skill is being honed in SPM this year.  We’ve been asked this semester to describe our TR Rhythm.  I think that the most important question for me in theological reflection has become, “Where is God in…[this event/happening/circumstance]?”

So, look for me to share some of those reflections as my time as a MAPS student winds down…but you might find it helpful to ask yourself the question, “Where was God in your life today?”

Blessings and Peace to you in the name of Christ our Savior,

Michelle

I continue on my journey of discernment and figuring out just what I am to do with all of these gifts and blessings from God.

I know whatever I do must involve using my legal expertise for the benefit of the oppressed and the underserved. So, I will look at my Legal Ministry and focus on serving churches and nonprofits and their members.

I feel confident that God has wonderful things in store for my ministry with his servants. Stay tuned…

I had a wonderful affirmation during the last days of the semester.  I reassured a dear, sweet colleague who was worried about presiding over a Prayer Service at her church that everything would be fine.  I reminded her that she has been blessed with unique gifts and talents of her own and to surrender to the Holy Spirit and let the Spirit guide her.  Not two minutes later was my position reaffirmed by an Aquinas faculty member.

 It was a wonderful moment not because I was affirmed but because it was added reassurance to my friend.  It was also a sign that what I have learned has truly become a part of me.  I continue to marvel at the transformation that has taken place in my life because of the education I am receiving at Aquinas Institute of Theology.  I give thanks on a regular basis for this gift. 

So, regardless of your faith denomination, know that you have gifts and talents that are not yours to hold on to in secret.  Your gifts are yours to be given away to the rest of us.  I assert this as my belief and my commitment to continue to use my gifts to bless others.

Peace be with you.

Bet you thought I’d be writing about history being made on Tuesday, November 4, 2008.  Nope, I want to talk about how my intuition and feelings were vindicated in Carla Mae Streeter’s Ecclesiology class.  I have always believed that the reason we have so many faith traditions is because they are the various roads to the Divine that allow us to journey closer in relationship.  In other words, I believe that in the End, some people will be surprised with how many people are in Heaven with them.

 What has happened to me is I have grown in my understanding of where the Divine is in each of us.  Incarnational theology suggests to me that because Jesus Christ was both human and divine, then he is a part of the DNA of each and every person.  We are ALL children of God.  As such, it is not about the faith tradition that saves us–we are all already saved.  When the Word made flesh says noone comes to the Father except through me, He’s already in each of us.

For me, the point of faith traditions are to develop our relationship with God and to help heal those who, through Free Will, have chosen to turn away from their life source.  In that sense, my job is to continue to be the light of Christ so that others who have no hope or understanding or have given up hope in God will find their way again. 

You see, it wasn’t being Catholic that saved me.  I was already saved by His blood on the cross.  What was happening was an awakening inside of me.  I REALIZED that I could do nothing without God.  I understand now that what was pushing me was that piece of God deep within me that I could not find because I chose (remember free will) to be stuck in the muck of pain and judgment.  I have started to give those hurtful feelings over to God and am finding my life changing.  I am being healed through prayer and the Eucharist.  Realizing how close Jesus really is to me is the most wonderful feeling in the world. 

 I ask for your continued prayers for my spiritual growth and development.  Not just for my own sake, but for the ones I have been sent here to touch because no gift is just for me and me alone.

I’m baaaaaaack!  It’s amazing how much I’ve missed being in school; around the wonderful people and sometimes even mystical faculty.  It’s amazing how my spiritual development grows exponentially when I’m studying at Aquinas.  Simply put, I am easing my way back into study after taking last year off. 

I am no longer a part of the Apollos Project, but still have a connection to my friends and colleagues in that program.  I am realizing that I AM is such an important part of my identity.  I am currently taking Spirituality and Psychology with Paul Coutinho, S.J.  His class has opened the door to my soul and I am searching again for my spiritual identity.

Just this week, someone asked me “What are you going to do with a M.A.P.S. degree?”  The question almost comes as a challenge–how can you use that degree if you’re not working at a church or doing something religious?  Well, I’ll tell you how.  It’s not about what I will do with it, but who I am becoming because of it.  Because of my studies, I have changed; I have evolved. I am a more spiritual person, which means that my law practice cannot help but be more spiritual as an outpouring of me and what I have learned and continue to learn.

No, it’s not just a piece of paper to hang on the wall or to refer to in intellectual conversation.  If you have not been changed and transformed as a result of this education, then, in my opinion, it’s just been an exercise.  Paul told us the first day in class that if we do not all leave the class as better people with a deeper relationship with God, then we’ve failed.  Well, I don’t want to fail this class!

I’ve finally made the decision to trust God.  I’ve finally decided to have faith and to live the faith that I spent so many years sharing with young people.  So, I really will devote my time to my legal ministry and trying to make the legal system accessible to as many people as possible.  You see, I’ve been operating with a “false cushion” thinking that if I had a steady source of income (i.e., another job) then that would be how I would subsidize my ministry to primarily low-income clients.  Except, it has been the other job that has distracted me from my ministry to those same clients.  You see, I’ve been afraid to step all the way out on faith and on my own out of fear of failure.  But a good friend told me that FEAR stands for False Expectations Appearing Real.  All I know is that the Devil is a liar and I won’t let those lies keep me from my dream any longer. 

 So, I completed the last of my Youth Ministry Certificate courses and once I submit my final assignments in September, I will have the certificate.  What do I plan to do with it?  I plan to use what I’ve learned to enhance my own ministry and the ministries around me.  It may seem unrealistic, but I believe that everyone can benefit from the systems approach to comprehensive ministry.  It also plays to my strengths as a teacher and facilitator.   I’ve finally gotten the ear of my pastor and will have the opportunity to present my vision of ministry at my parish to him within the next few weeks.  It is a vision shaped by my studies at Aquinas and the Certificate in Youth Ministry program.  Better still, it is a shared vision being implemented in many parishes, so I am excited about this new opportunity.  I am excited to serve the Lord.  I am excited to finally walk by faith and not by sight.  And it’s about time!

Happy New Year! My theological education makes that greeting all the more special. It does not just mean that I wish you well for the coming calendar year that begins on January 1st. It also is an acknowledgment, as a Catholic Christian, that our liturgical year begins with Advent. The time of year when we wait for the coming of our Lord and Savior. Advent is the beginning of the story for us as Christians. And what a wonderful story it is.

Well, I’m at the beginning of a new story in my life and I know the story is so much better because of my studies here at Aquinas. So, let me tell you the story and you can decide for yourself.

Three months ago I made a blog entry and my thoughts were all over the place (it was not one of my better entries). I had just received some signs, though, that it was time for me to make some changes in my life. So let’s review the signs that I received.

First, I had more people than I could count telling me that I was working myself too hard. I was serving my parish as its Pastoral Associate, which included being the business manager and the Youth Director. I was also working hard on my studies and trying to maintain my law practice, Michelle Smith Legal Ministry. I was also doing all of this while not taking very good care of my health. So, no wonder that my body shut down and I landed in the hospital with double pneumonia, a kidney infection, hypertension and my diabetes was not helping the healing process. Part of my recovery was a mandatory stay at home for two weeks. This quiet time was time to reflect on how God had sent me messages through other people. I just wasn’t paying attention.

Second sign was the day I returned to work. It was a fateful Wednesday, August 16, 2007. That was the day lightning struck our beautiful church and she went up in a five-alarm blaze. That night I made up my mind to stop acting like I couldn’t hear Him telling me it was time to move.

Move to what? The third sign. This sign actually has several confirmations wrapped up in it. Prior to taking ill, I had accepted a contract to serve as an Attorney consultant to an up and coming IT company. I had only been on the job for two weeks, took the youth to Atlanta, got sick and was off work for two weeks. So imagine my surprise when I return to the contract job and they offer me a full-time position doing just what I always dreamed in law school–corporate general counsel. Good pay. Good benefits. The chance I needed to serve God in a new way. Using my law license to serve Him. Deciding that I did not need to again try to balance two jobs where I practiced law and worked for the Rock, I decided that it was time to let the Rock go. Now for some confirmations.

First confirmation was that there was a wonderful lady waiting to step in and take the reigns from me. She was out of work and in need of insurance. I had two jobs with two sets of health insurance. She knew the vision that I was building and I believed she is competent to carry it through. It was during this time that the paper I wrote for summer school about why Moses did not get into the Promised Land made perfect sense. I, like Moses, was not the one to implement a new vision of youth ministry at The Rock. Someone else was supposed to do it.

Second confirmation. I found the perfect location to open Michelle Smith Legal Ministry. Everybody seems to know where it is on Lindell (Lindell Professional Building).

Third confirmation is that I bumped into a young man whom I had taught at Sanford Brown College. He’s a paralegal who has had a hard time finding work because he doesn’t have the experience, but he cannot get the experience without the work. The timing was right for him and he called me and when I told him I was just getting started, and could not pay him, he offered to volunteer his time to get some experience. What a blessing for both of us.

Next confirmation. I am blessed to have found a wondeful person to share this dream with and she is the perfect balance for me. She is great with numbers (I’m not). She has a cooler head than I do. And she is willing to use her accounting skills to run this ministry and manage the business affairs. These two people are gifts from God whom I treasure for they are helping me to grow this ministry for Him. I couldn’t ask for much else.

Last confirmation. New clients keep walking through the door and old clients bring me new business.

What have I learned from all of this? Some is what I already knew. Everything happens for a reason and it is all part of His plan for us. Every experience builds on the ones before it.

I had to leave the practice of law as I knew it then, so I could return to it with what I know now. I know now that all that I have is a gift from God. I know now that Jesus left us a model of servant leadership. I know now that I can run a law practice with a mission to serve God, serve those who serve others, and to serve the underserved. I can do all that for Him and I’ll be rich beyond measure.

Oh, by the way, I have not left ministry at the Rock Church. I have found new ways to serve in the church. I am a Sacristan for the Saturday evening liturgy. I also want to serve on the Stewardship Committee.

A new chapter has begun. Thanks be to God.

I am currently enrolled in Foundations of Catholic Morality and SPM I (Supervised Practice of Ministry). The reason it seems light is because I took my Old Testament elective, Torah/Pentateuch, during summer school.

I am enjoying the richness of discussion in both my classes, but I am not as engaged personally as I have been for the last two years. The problem is that I feel I’m being called to something more and I’m trying to turn the volume down.

So much of Lay Formation classes have been about discerning our gifts and our call to ministry. What has been wonderful about Aquinas has been the transformative effect that my studies have had in my life. I am a different person than when I arrived.

The first week in SPM this semester, we were asked to write down to whom we feel called to serve in ministry. The difficulty I am having is that I feel called to serve people outside of my parish. That’s a good thing, right? Not if you are a full-time lay minister responsible for leading the spiritual growth of young people IN your parish.

It is during the difficult times that I grow closer to God, so this time will be no different than the others.

My problem isn’t hearing the call; it’s answering the call.

So, for those who are unaware, my church, St. Alphonsus “Rock” Church was struck by lightning and damaged by a 5-alarm fire that ensued. It took over 40 fire trucks and nearly 150 firefighters to put the fire out that has forced our community to turn our gym into a temporary sanctuary.

There is such good news that comes out of the fire. First, NO ONE WAS INJURED as a result of the fire. Also, that more damage was not done is a blessing. Most of the damage was to the roof and water and soot damage to the interior, but the structure of the building is still sound and in tact. Another blessing is that we had thousands of dollars of materials that our dance ministry and arts and environment ministry maintains in the attic of the church. We have a beautiful pipe organ that appears to be okay. We have an entire community within the city limits and outside the city on both sides of the river and across the globe who have offered their prayers, their money, their expertise, their time and their energy to help us however they can. These are just a few of the blessings.

The ironies of that day for me are that I had just returned to work that day after being off for two weeks following being hospitalized for a kidney infection and pneumonia. In fact, just that morning I had told our new pastor who’d been in town just one day that we were going to have a “new beginning, a rebirth.” From my mouth to God’s ears, huh? Little did I know what God had in store. Another irony is that the name of the choir that was rehearsing when the lightning struck the church is “The Voices of Thunder,” our men’s choir. Yeah, it’s okay to chuckle at that one. Let’s not forget the Gospel reading in church the Sunday after the fire: Jesus said, “I have come to set the earth on fire.” Fr. Matthew told us that day in his homily how he knew God was up there laughing at him. What he also did was talk about how being a Christian can cause division from the secular world, but unity among other Christians. What a powerful message.

He also talked about how the fire that has us out of our church for at least a year had done more for our parish than he could have ever hoped to do in 10 years as pastor. I think he’s right and I hope and pray that we maintain the level of unity that he preached about that day. I hope we remember, as we did that fateful night that WE ARE THE CHURCH; not the building. I hope we make the most of the Holy Smoke.

I recently spent three days in the hospital. Now that I am home under doctor’s orders to rest and relax I can see quite clearly God’s design for me to rest.

You see, I am a workaholic. Since I moved back to St. Louis is 1997, I have consistently maintained two to three jobs or major responsibilities. In fact, I’ve been pushing myself since my late mother had a stroke in 1996, when I would come home every weekend to help out at home. I was 26 then, though, so the toll wasn’t as high for me.

Eleven years later I am older and have neglected my health significantly. Yet, I did not take heed when my father and friends were telling me to slow down and that I work too hard.

As usual, I had a full-time job, a part-time job and graduate studies to maintain. I completed my work for school satisfactorily, got the youth to Atlanta for their annual trip and received a commendation from the CEO at the part-time job. Not bad right? Wrong.

Nothing is worth your health. I immediately dropped the extra class I didn’t need to take and I am currently assessing what else to let go of that is too burdensome. I need to slow down and stop working harder and start working smarter. I should have listened to the guardian angels that were telling me this. Since I wouldn’t listen to them, God gave me a message I had to listen to–kidney infection, low oxygen, high blood pressure, high blood glucose and pneumonia in both lungs. I got the message loud and clear. I was a human pin cushion and got no rest in the hospital for being bothered every few hours for some test or something. Now that I am home, rest it is.

As part of the body of Christ, it is important for me to take care of myself so that I am fit to take care of the rest of the body of Christ. I cannot fulfill my mission otherwise.

So, the moral of this story is take care of yourself and listen to your guardian angels. Otherwise, you may really get a talking to from upstairs!