Journal of Michelle Smith

God is so good! I have been amazed by so much this week because I have witnessed the power of the Lord.

On Wednesday night, my Godson was involved in a bad car accident. A young woman, while changing lanes, struck his vehicle with such force that she flipped her vehicle over three times, the windows in the van that he was driving shattered, and he lost control of the car and drove head-on into a tree. The miracle was that both drivers WALKED AWAY with only scratches. My Godson has Sickle Cell Disease and the stress of the accident alone could have sent him into a Sickle Cell crisis; let alone the risk of death from an accident like that. He could have died that night, but he’s still alive! He must still have some unfinished business (as must the young woman).

Obviously emotional about that incident, I went to Mass the next morning at work and was surprised to see a married couple that I know from the parish coming to Daily Mass. It was a nice surprise until I realized it was the holidays and they might be mourning the loss of their oldest son, who died this summer. I decided to offer up a prayer for myself and my family and all who are mourning during this season (my mother passed away one year ago this month on Christmas Eve).

During Mass, though, the couple shared that December 15th would have been their son’s birthday. It turned out to be a very emotional day for me. I told them both what a powerful witness to their faith and the healing power of Jesus that, rather than doing something self-destructive, they went to the Eucharist. The feeling of COMMUNITY/COMMUNION was so powerful that morning as we all ministered to one another–us to them and them to us. We also reflected about the healing power of tears and crying. I told the father/husband that “There’s no point in being so strong that you’re too weak to lean on Jesus.”

I finished off the night by attending the North Deanery Penance Service at St. Matthew’s Parish. It’s hard for me to describe how powerful and healing that evening was for me. As I examined my conscience I realize why it’s important to go to reconciliation more often (if for no other reason than you’re bound to forget all of those sins you’ve committed if you wait too long).

Their’s healing in forgiveness beyond words. God’s love is all around us if we just take the time to receive it.

May you have a blessed and safe Christmas and New Year. See you at the new school! Praise God.

I suppose now is as good a time as any to give thanks for God’s grace. Today was a bad day for me and I brought it with me into school, but the beautiful part was the grace shown to me through my friends in allowing me to be me. The questions and show of concern was enough to know that they care about me–even when I went out of my way to clam up or said something snide. They let me know they still love me!

One of my friends spoke today about how others have noticed the changes in her since she’s started school. Thanks be to God that others have noticed the same thing in me. They notice a “glow” about me. There IS a glow that you get when you realize that you’re in love with the Lord.

What is nice is that my friends and colleagues were able to hold up a mirror–it was the mirror of how they see me and in that reflection I could see how the darkness was taking over my personality and that it was not something I wanted to take into tomorrow (or even the rest of the night). So what did I do? I WENT TO DAILY MASS AT CHURCH.

How wonderful is our God–that he sent his only begotten son to rescue us and that we, as Catholics, have the opportunity to receive God’s grace and mercy every single day. I went to hear God’s Word and to reflect on how magnificent God is and how blessed I am to know how blessed I am.

This is new for me…taking my problems to the Lord. I give thanks to my friends for showing me that Jesus lives in them…and in me. Thank you Apollos and thank you Aquinas.

I had an amazing experience today in class…things clicked today for me. You see, today’s class on Christian Anthropology and Eschatology with Carla Mae was almost like being in a constant state of prayer for me. The way she was able to put words to my faith journey was just incredible.

It really is funny how the more I learn the more I realize I don’t know, but I’m intoxicated with learning about this yearning that led me to walk away from practicing law into practicing ministry and studying theology. Sure I told people I was following the Holy Spirit, but that was me saying what I THOUGHT was the answer. That was me saying what I knew I was SUPPOSED to say and what people wanted to hear. I didn’t KNOW it was the truth.

I didn’t KNOW that listening to Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith and going to Amy Grant concerts in college; or accepting a job at a church of a different denomination; or visiting past life clearers were all the work of the Holy Spirit.

What an incredible feeling it is to KNOW where you come from–to feel like a true child of God. This isn’t about my parents and which slave owners brought whom through the Middle Passage–it’s so much deeper than that (not to diminish, though, the importance of that part of my ancestry)!

I believe that many people say they are children of God out of faith or because they’ve been taught to say that. I was one of those people. I didn’t have the feeling before that I have now. I didn’t feel like a sin was a violation of my RELATIONSHIP with God. A sin was simply something that I could confess away to a priest. Why did she have to go and open my eyes to the RELATIONSHIP I have with God? Now I have an image of letting God down–of truly failing when I make bad choices. I always hated disappointing my parents. But it’s more like the feeling I had when I realize that I am doing something that pains my husband.

Don’t worry, I’m not a criminal or anything and I’m a pretty nice person who does compassionate things for people. I just don’t treat myself very well, which was okay this morning when I woke up. Now it’s about keeping me away from God. Geez!

The beautiful part is I feel good about having my eyes opened. For anyone who has a C-PAP machine at home, they’ll understand the analogy of not realizing you weren’t resting until you get a really good night’s sleep. Whew! That’s the feeling I have right now. You don’t beat yourself up about not getting the machine earlier, you simply know you’ll never want to go to sleep again without it! Even better is when you take the steps to improve your health so that you are able to get that same good night’s sleep WITHOUT the machine!

Of course, I’ll take little baby steps toward treating myself better and not being so hard on myself. There’s a lot to work out, but it’s like the beginning stages of a courtship where you only want to put your best foot forward.

Having spent most of this semester reading the work of Mechtild de Magdeburg, a medieval mystic, I now truly understand the imagery of God as bridegroom–intellectually I understood it, but now I FEEL it. I knew there was a reason she “spoke” to me! The little blurb about “God and the soul” next to her name on the handout really was “speaking” to ME! It’s enough to make you giddy. It’s enough to make me try harder.

The only cloud over the day was that my epiphany came because my regular professor lost his brother. Knowing Tom, though, he would be one of the first to praise God for the very grace that I am witnessing to now. Nevertheless, I would be remiss not to offer my continued prayers for blessing and comfort for Tom and his family.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. Halleluia!