Amazing Grace
I had an amazing experience today in class…things clicked today for me. You see, today’s class on Christian Anthropology and Eschatology with Carla Mae was almost like being in a constant state of prayer for me. The way she was able to put words to my faith journey was just incredible.
It really is funny how the more I learn the more I realize I don’t know, but I’m intoxicated with learning about this yearning that led me to walk away from practicing law into practicing ministry and studying theology. Sure I told people I was following the Holy Spirit, but that was me saying what I THOUGHT was the answer. That was me saying what I knew I was SUPPOSED to say and what people wanted to hear. I didn’t KNOW it was the truth.
I didn’t KNOW that listening to Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith and going to Amy Grant concerts in college; or accepting a job at a church of a different denomination; or visiting past life clearers were all the work of the Holy Spirit.
What an incredible feeling it is to KNOW where you come from–to feel like a true child of God. This isn’t about my parents and which slave owners brought whom through the Middle Passage–it’s so much deeper than that (not to diminish, though, the importance of that part of my ancestry)!
I believe that many people say they are children of God out of faith or because they’ve been taught to say that. I was one of those people. I didn’t have the feeling before that I have now. I didn’t feel like a sin was a violation of my RELATIONSHIP with God. A sin was simply something that I could confess away to a priest. Why did she have to go and open my eyes to the RELATIONSHIP I have with God? Now I have an image of letting God down–of truly failing when I make bad choices. I always hated disappointing my parents. But it’s more like the feeling I had when I realize that I am doing something that pains my husband.
Don’t worry, I’m not a criminal or anything and I’m a pretty nice person who does compassionate things for people. I just don’t treat myself very well, which was okay this morning when I woke up. Now it’s about keeping me away from God. Geez!
The beautiful part is I feel good about having my eyes opened. For anyone who has a C-PAP machine at home, they’ll understand the analogy of not realizing you weren’t resting until you get a really good night’s sleep. Whew! That’s the feeling I have right now. You don’t beat yourself up about not getting the machine earlier, you simply know you’ll never want to go to sleep again without it! Even better is when you take the steps to improve your health so that you are able to get that same good night’s sleep WITHOUT the machine!
Of course, I’ll take little baby steps toward treating myself better and not being so hard on myself. There’s a lot to work out, but it’s like the beginning stages of a courtship where you only want to put your best foot forward.
Having spent most of this semester reading the work of Mechtild de Magdeburg, a medieval mystic, I now truly understand the imagery of God as bridegroom–intellectually I understood it, but now I FEEL it. I knew there was a reason she “spoke” to me! The little blurb about “God and the soul” next to her name on the handout really was “speaking” to ME! It’s enough to make you giddy. It’s enough to make me try harder.
The only cloud over the day was that my epiphany came because my regular professor lost his brother. Knowing Tom, though, he would be one of the first to praise God for the very grace that I am witnessing to now. Nevertheless, I would be remiss not to offer my continued prayers for blessing and comfort for Tom and his family.
Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. Halleluia!