Journal of Michelle Smith

I recently spent three days in the hospital. Now that I am home under doctor’s orders to rest and relax I can see quite clearly God’s design for me to rest.

You see, I am a workaholic. Since I moved back to St. Louis is 1997, I have consistently maintained two to three jobs or major responsibilities. In fact, I’ve been pushing myself since my late mother had a stroke in 1996, when I would come home every weekend to help out at home. I was 26 then, though, so the toll wasn’t as high for me.

Eleven years later I am older and have neglected my health significantly. Yet, I did not take heed when my father and friends were telling me to slow down and that I work too hard.

As usual, I had a full-time job, a part-time job and graduate studies to maintain. I completed my work for school satisfactorily, got the youth to Atlanta for their annual trip and received a commendation from the CEO at the part-time job. Not bad right? Wrong.

Nothing is worth your health. I immediately dropped the extra class I didn’t need to take and I am currently assessing what else to let go of that is too burdensome. I need to slow down and stop working harder and start working smarter. I should have listened to the guardian angels that were telling me this. Since I wouldn’t listen to them, God gave me a message I had to listen to–kidney infection, low oxygen, high blood pressure, high blood glucose and pneumonia in both lungs. I got the message loud and clear. I was a human pin cushion and got no rest in the hospital for being bothered every few hours for some test or something. Now that I am home, rest it is.

As part of the body of Christ, it is important for me to take care of myself so that I am fit to take care of the rest of the body of Christ. I cannot fulfill my mission otherwise.

So, the moral of this story is take care of yourself and listen to your guardian angels. Otherwise, you may really get a talking to from upstairs!

I decided to take a summer school course and what a wonderful blessing that turned out to be. I took Torah/Pentateuch with George Boudreau, O.P., and it was an amazing experience.

We began each class reciting a Hebrew prayer called the Sh(e)ma (pronounced SHMAH). By the 10th and last day of class, many of us were able to recite it without the overhead.

I thought that spending 2 1/2 hours in class every day for two weeks would be tedious and tiring. It was tiring, but never tedious. In fact, it was refreshing because I really got to know the others in the class so much more than it seems over the course of a semester meeting one time per week.

Even better is we have time after the class ends to submit our assignments, so it isn’t even like you have to cram an entire semester’s-worth of work into two weeks. You have time.

I took the class to lighten my Fall load. I will have accomplished my goal and gained so much in the process. I highly recommend it–you won’t regret it…I didn’t.

Thank God.

Recently I was blessed to drop in at Aquinas for a quick moment, only to later find myself among the MAPM (Master of Arts in Pastoral Ministry) students from Oklahoma City. They are part of the Aquinas At-Home program and this particular Saturday was part of their studies. If I understand the gyst of it, we have talented folks from all over who are taking courses online and the deal is that they come in for some intense weekend study. Having finished high school in Oklahoma City, I should have immediately known that a blessing was coming for me.

Anyway, I was invited, along with my friend, to attend the 5pm Liturgy that was scheduled that day. George Boudreaux was the Presider and his homily included a dialogue, in the aftermath of Virginia Tech, about where can we find the resurrected Christ amidst violence. Violence like Waco and the Oklahoma City bombing.

The dialogue was amazing and incredibly touching. We talked about finding the Resurrection in forgiveness for the perpetrators, compassion for the perpetrators, selfless acts of courage, an increase in church attendance, in finding the “troubled” people BEFORE they can wreak havoc, and in understanding that there IS evil in the world and that the Cross and Resurrection means that we can contront that evil and overcome it.

Fast-forward a couple of days later and you have me meeting with a client (remember I have a part-time law practice). During this meeting I am laying out the options for my client to appeal an adverse action by a governmental agency. My client began to share with me how in the midst of his struggle with a work-related injury, failing to receive the approval to have surgery for the injury forced him to resign. Unfortunately for my client, his wife left him. She didn’t just leave him, though, she divided their family. You see, they have three daughters and, at the time, one was on her own already, the middle daughter was 15 and the youngest was around 10. What the mother decided to do was take the youngest daughter and leave the middle child with her father who had no job and few means to take care of either of them. (Let’s all cringe together!)

Suffice it to say, the Enemy was using my client’s wife and managed to destroy a family. Recalling the homily dialogue from just a couple of days prior, I was moved by the Spirit to ask my client, “Where can you find the resurrected Christ amidst that type of emotional violence that your ex-wife perpetrated against you and your daughters?” He stared at me with surprise and intrigue. I responded to the question this way…”You find it in your middle daughter getting married, having a family of her own and loving her children. You find it in your baby girl knowing that her father would never abandon her. You find it in your dignity and grace in court when your ex-wife was shouting mean things at you. And you find it in the fact that you are sitting right here with me, strong, resilient, loved. You are a survivor.”

This brought tears to both our eyes. My client said to me, “I needed to hear that. You see, I was really ready to give up. To call it quits. To end my life.” I said, “But you didn’t and here you are.” He said, “I needed someone to remind me of all that I have; not just what I had lost. It was like a beautiful poem and it was just for me.” I told him, “It simply came from God through me, because I’m not that eloquent.”

Everything happens for a reason. I was supposed to wander in to Aquinas and celebrate the Eucharist with people who lived the Resurrection after the bombing. They were supposed to touch me, so that I could touch my client. Now that’s Amazing Grace.

My brother passed away on Holy Saturday last week and my mother passed away on Christmas Eve 2004. Without faith, the time to rejoice in the Death, Resurrection and Birth of Jesus would be lost to sadness and depression. Instead, I write of the joy that I can find in knowing that two people of faith who suffered in life, are not suffering any more. I rejoice believing that I will see them again. That is what I profess nearly every Sunday…our BELIEFS in the faith.

I can rejoice in knowing that I was able to say goodbye and let go of my mother when she was ready to go Home to be with the Father. I can stop crying long enough to smile at the thought that I made amends with my brother last summer and played a part in reconciling him with his estranged 24-year-old son.

As I walk a dear friend closer to the faith that brought me into a deeper relationship with Jesus, I can state emphatically that I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH JESUS CHRIST, who is present in the Eucharist and WHO STRENGTHENS ME. The power of the Eucharist is more powerful than grief. It’s more powerful than regret. When you turn it over to God, you just feel better.

I can say this absolutely because, I went to church for Midnight Mass and Christmas services when my mom died; and I celebrated the Easter Vigil, too. Don’t get me wrong, there were tears of sadness amidst tears of joy. I just wanted to share that the key for me is keeping the faith. With that, I know I may fall, but I will get up.

It’s the same faith, through the power of the Holy Spirit, that allowed Aquinas Institute of Theology to touch the life of a young teenager suffering with a rare viral infection that has her paralyzed. Because I continue to work to integrate what I learn in school with my parish youth ministry, I was touched by a story of faith, hope and love.

Our Teen Ministry learned the Rosary during Lent with an elder of the church. This elder’s daughter came to me and shared how the exercise touched her and allowed her to focus more deeply on her prayer life and to direct her prayers toward a couple’s daughter. I had tears in my eyes when she shared how being with the teens touched her and helped her to remember that when we no longer have earthly remedies available, we always have prayer.

Prayer. It was the Our Father that connected with my mother when nothing else could. My nephew shared in a Prayer of Salvation with my brother. And I believe prayer is why that paralyzed teen is showing improvement. The Lord works miracles for the faithful.

I pray that this Easter Season brings you closer still to God. I truly believe that’s all He wants.

The past seven days have proven to be incredibly inspiring to me. I won a case and lost a case. What is so inspiring about losing? I’ll discuss this a bit later.

The case I won was my first ever custody case. You may remember that I have shared that I spent most of my nearly 13 years practicing law as a corporate government attorney. In fact, I had been in a courtroom in a professional capacity on two occasions: once when I argued an appellate case and when I was initially sworn in to practice law. Furthermore, my litigation experience was limited to two administrative hearings with a veteran attorney as second chair. To say I felt uncomfortable would be accurate. Yet, I felt equally compelled to help this mother who had been robbed of eight years with her two children.

Well, God made her enemies her foot stools in this case. The same people who had fought her at every turn offered her custody. To have this mother walk out of the courtroom victorious, hug me and begin to sob was the most humbling thing that had ever happened to me. It was at that moment that I truly realized the power of the Lord to make things happen through people. When I say that I was MERELY HIS INSTRUMENT I mean every word. ANY TIME I NEEDED ANYTHING God provided it. I handled this matter on pro bono basis. To see mother and child reunited was payment enough.

My other case is part of a bigger mission of mine: to educate the public about and advocate on behalf of those living with Sickle Cell Disease. This incurable, often painful and disabling disease is not understood by many who have the power to make AND interpret the law.

One of my clients is a 20-year-old unemployed male with a 10th grade education. He was not able to complete high school because of frequent absenteeism due to his illness. In fact, he had to undergo brain stem surgery. He is in such pain that he often has to take high-powered medicines like Oxycontin and Oxycodone. The real issue is that it is not just about this young man, but about EVERY PERSON living with Sickle Cell Disease. They are to whom I’ve been sent to serve in many ways.

I know this because at a Social Security Seminar yesterday, I just happened to sit at the table with an Administrative Law Judge who ruled in favor of her only claimant with Sickle Cell Disease. Then, on my left were two ladies who have nearly 60 years of experience between them working for Social Security. They told me that the group with whom to have a conversation are the people who make the initial determinations. WOW, another sign.

If I don’t know by now that my Legal Ministry is a blessing to me as much as to my clients, well then I probably ought to just drop out of school now, ‘cuz I haven’t learned a thing!

The title of this blog entry is actually what a dear friend and mentor said to me the other night.

I had recently been approached by a potential client who needed my help and I called my mentor for some subject matter advice. Turns out my mentor has the gift of discernment. So, when she called me, she started answering my question before I asked it, only…she was answering the doubts that I had about taking the case (and other cases) in the first place.

After explaining to me about all of the doubts that I had yet to ever mention to her in the first place, she told me, “God has given you a case. He wouldn’t give it to you and not give you what you need to be successful. Don’t disrespect God by doubting. That would be like not having faith.”

Well, what happened after I took advice is even more astounding to me. You see, my mentor had also mentioned that sometimes the things you need from God will come from other people; maybe even nonbelievers. Imagine my amazement when within one week, another client of mine received an unexpected blessing from an opponent in her case. This case has been going on for nearly a decade and this poor woman hadn’t gotten a break from the judge or the other side. I get a lecture from my mentor about having faith. I surrender; then we receive this blessing. Okay, Lord. I get it now.

The blessings haven’t stopped either. I really wanted to share this testimony with others and say “Thank you” to my Lord and Master. I surrender all.

Many of you know how busy my life is. I’m a full-time Pastoral Associate at my church, working with youth and young adults and monitoring the budget. As an attorney, I run a part-time Legal Ministry law practice, whereby I provide legal assistance to churches, nonprofits and people who cannot afford an arm and a leg for legal representation. I also serve as Chairman of the Board of Sickle Cell Disease Community Advocates–a nonprofit, tax-exempt organization that provides awareness to the public at large and nonmedical services to people living with this deadly blood disease. On top of that, I’m a part-time graduate student at Aquinas. Whew!

With all that, though, it is so good to be back home at Aquinas. My prayer life has improved at Aquinas. My self-confidence has increased as I continue to earn good grades. Not to mention, I am a much better minister to the people of my congregation because I have learned so much about the Catholic faith.

I recently attended a lifelong faith formation conference in Orlando, Florida, entitled “Fashion Me A People.” It was wonderful to be affirmed in some of the approaches that I want to implement in my ministries and to hear of the successes in adolescent catechesis, as well as some of the universal obstacles. Even though it was rough to endure the 78 degree weather, it was good to come home and begin planning to improve how I minister to young people based upon what I learned at the conference and what I am learning at Aquinas.

If the purpose of my being in school is to learn and grow and become a better-formed Lay Minister, then I feel good about the foundation that is being laid here at Aquinas. Although I know I will continue to stay busy, I am sure that because most of what I do is for the benefit of God’s children, He won’t let me get too tired. I know the Lord will equip me to do what needs to be done. Praise God.

My New Year’s Resolution is to not make any more New Year’s Resolutions. They don’t really work anyway…at least not for me. The tradition to me is a lot like giving something up for Lent. People often give up things like chocolate or soda; only to take those things up again immediately after Lent. In fact, I tried to give up swearing; only to curse within the first day and decide to pick something else to do for Lent.

January 1st is a much better day to go to church, which I did, since it was the Solemnity of Mother Mary. If I plan to do anything it is to strive to live each day glorifying the Father. With that as my goal, then whatever I would otherwise “resolve” to do will fall into that category. Let’s try it:

I resolve to lose weight…that would mean treating my body as a temple. Hmmm that glorifies the Lord.

I resolve to be more patient with my earthly father…uhh wasn’t there a commandment about honoring mom and dad? Guess that glorifies God, too.

Give more to charity…didn’t He say, “in as much as you do unto the least of mine…”

Continue to follow my vocation and serve others…I remember something about faith without works being fruitless.

See, if you are trying to do something good, there’s a real strong chance you’ll be glorifying the Lord.

I also want to remember to give thanks to God more often for the good times and the bad because every day is a day of thanksgiving–it being a day that the Lord hath made.

Thanks be to God.

James was one who said, “Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we shall go into such and such a town, spend a year there doing business, and make a profit’–you have no idea what your life will be like tomorrow. You are a puff of smoke that appears briefly and then disappears. Instead you should say, ‘If the Lord wills it, we shall live to do this or that.” James 4:13-15

These verses resonate with me today because a friend of mine is fighting for his life today. You may have driven past or seen the horrific accident on the news at Grand and St. Louis Avenue that was attributed to two drag racers. My friend was the innocent driver hit head-on.

This man is truly a man of God. He used to hold the position of Athletic Director (that I hold now) at my church when there was no salary. He did it out of the goodness of his heart. Yesterday, he was on his way down to the church (as he was nearly every day) to help other volunteers unload food and gifts for those who go without at Christmas. HE WAS ON HIS WAY TO DO THE WORK OF THE LORD.

We all pray that he will make a full recovery. We all give thanks to the Lord for the example he has been to all of us and his family.

If it is the Lord’s will, may we see another day to be of service to the children of God, as my friend has been everyday of his life.

A friend called me the other day and said, “Can I ask you a question?” My response was, “Sure you can.” Then she asked, “Do you mind answering in public?” Now, the lawyer in me kicked in and I responded, “Well that depends on the question and who’s listening.” That answer was followed by, “Oh, it’s a catechism question.” So I said, “Oh, in that case, sure. Go ahead.”

My friend put her friend Becky on the line who asked, “In Catechism classes, do they teach you about the birth and death of Jesus?” I said, “Yes.” Becky went on to talk about the new movie, “The Nativity Story,” which takes us into the world of Mary and Joseph and we get a glimpse into what they both must have gone through after Mary said yes to the Lord.

Well, Becky said that she was talking to a Catholic person about the movie and she was confused because the person to whom she was talking asked her whether she thought what was in the movie was factual. So, that led Becky to think, “What do they teach you in catechism class?”

Our discussion after that involved me giving an explanation of the liturgical calendar and how we’re now at the beginning, in the season of Advent. I talked about how this movie, like “The Passion of the Christ” gives a look into the world of the text of the Bible, so we can get a sense of what it was like back then. We also talked about how it seems like some Catholics don’t know the scriptures very well. I did affirm that there seems to be a cry among some for more Bible study, and I informed her to not be too shocked if she runs into some who are not as familiar with scriptures as she.

After the call ended, I texted a message back to my friend who originally called me because I wanted to be sure that Becky and others listening did not take from my comments a sweeping generalization that all Catholics do not know the scriptures and all Protestants do. That would be absurd and untrue. However, the question even goes deeper than who knows what about the Bible. It becomes, again, a question of faith.

Even if “The Nativity Story” like “The Passion of the Christ” is taken primarily from the Bible with some artistic license, we are still left with the ultimate question–did that really happen? You see, it seems to me, that the question posed to Becky may not have been about what that person learned or didn’t learn in Catechism class. It may have just been a question of faith. In other words, was that particular Catholic a believer or not? God only knows…