Journal of Michelle Smith

This is the time of year when we make New Year’s Resolutions to do everything from lose weight to spending more time with our family. The interesting part about it all is that resolutions are all about our plans for our life. What about God’s plan?

A friend told me a cute joke last week. She said, “If you want to make God laugh, tell God your plans.” It got a chuckle out of me because it’s the truth. You’ve already read about my plans for my career and how I stumbled into a vocation…I stumbled, God led me there.

As we begin the year, this is the perfect opportunity to reflect on what God has already resolved for us. I’ve noticed I’ve started using the words gifts and collaboration more. But I’m not just talking about gifts and collaboration, I’m using the gifts that God has given me in conjunction with those that God’s given to others and to sit back and watch the Lord’s beauty unfold when you lean on a power greater than your own is amazing.

I’m looking for opportunties for the people whose lives I touch to see that they have gifts that need to be shared with others for those who do not yet know the power of the Eucharist.

Whatever is in store for any of us was already in the plan. We should all pray for the Holy Spirit to shine the light on God’s resolution for us…it’s already been resolved; we just have to find it for ourselves. Happy New Year and God bless.

God is so good! I have been amazed by so much this week because I have witnessed the power of the Lord.

On Wednesday night, my Godson was involved in a bad car accident. A young woman, while changing lanes, struck his vehicle with such force that she flipped her vehicle over three times, the windows in the van that he was driving shattered, and he lost control of the car and drove head-on into a tree. The miracle was that both drivers WALKED AWAY with only scratches. My Godson has Sickle Cell Disease and the stress of the accident alone could have sent him into a Sickle Cell crisis; let alone the risk of death from an accident like that. He could have died that night, but he’s still alive! He must still have some unfinished business (as must the young woman).

Obviously emotional about that incident, I went to Mass the next morning at work and was surprised to see a married couple that I know from the parish coming to Daily Mass. It was a nice surprise until I realized it was the holidays and they might be mourning the loss of their oldest son, who died this summer. I decided to offer up a prayer for myself and my family and all who are mourning during this season (my mother passed away one year ago this month on Christmas Eve).

During Mass, though, the couple shared that December 15th would have been their son’s birthday. It turned out to be a very emotional day for me. I told them both what a powerful witness to their faith and the healing power of Jesus that, rather than doing something self-destructive, they went to the Eucharist. The feeling of COMMUNITY/COMMUNION was so powerful that morning as we all ministered to one another–us to them and them to us. We also reflected about the healing power of tears and crying. I told the father/husband that “There’s no point in being so strong that you’re too weak to lean on Jesus.”

I finished off the night by attending the North Deanery Penance Service at St. Matthew’s Parish. It’s hard for me to describe how powerful and healing that evening was for me. As I examined my conscience I realize why it’s important to go to reconciliation more often (if for no other reason than you’re bound to forget all of those sins you’ve committed if you wait too long).

Their’s healing in forgiveness beyond words. God’s love is all around us if we just take the time to receive it.

May you have a blessed and safe Christmas and New Year. See you at the new school! Praise God.

I suppose now is as good a time as any to give thanks for God’s grace. Today was a bad day for me and I brought it with me into school, but the beautiful part was the grace shown to me through my friends in allowing me to be me. The questions and show of concern was enough to know that they care about me–even when I went out of my way to clam up or said something snide. They let me know they still love me!

One of my friends spoke today about how others have noticed the changes in her since she’s started school. Thanks be to God that others have noticed the same thing in me. They notice a “glow” about me. There IS a glow that you get when you realize that you’re in love with the Lord.

What is nice is that my friends and colleagues were able to hold up a mirror–it was the mirror of how they see me and in that reflection I could see how the darkness was taking over my personality and that it was not something I wanted to take into tomorrow (or even the rest of the night). So what did I do? I WENT TO DAILY MASS AT CHURCH.

How wonderful is our God–that he sent his only begotten son to rescue us and that we, as Catholics, have the opportunity to receive God’s grace and mercy every single day. I went to hear God’s Word and to reflect on how magnificent God is and how blessed I am to know how blessed I am.

This is new for me…taking my problems to the Lord. I give thanks to my friends for showing me that Jesus lives in them…and in me. Thank you Apollos and thank you Aquinas.

I had an amazing experience today in class…things clicked today for me. You see, today’s class on Christian Anthropology and Eschatology with Carla Mae was almost like being in a constant state of prayer for me. The way she was able to put words to my faith journey was just incredible.

It really is funny how the more I learn the more I realize I don’t know, but I’m intoxicated with learning about this yearning that led me to walk away from practicing law into practicing ministry and studying theology. Sure I told people I was following the Holy Spirit, but that was me saying what I THOUGHT was the answer. That was me saying what I knew I was SUPPOSED to say and what people wanted to hear. I didn’t KNOW it was the truth.

I didn’t KNOW that listening to Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith and going to Amy Grant concerts in college; or accepting a job at a church of a different denomination; or visiting past life clearers were all the work of the Holy Spirit.

What an incredible feeling it is to KNOW where you come from–to feel like a true child of God. This isn’t about my parents and which slave owners brought whom through the Middle Passage–it’s so much deeper than that (not to diminish, though, the importance of that part of my ancestry)!

I believe that many people say they are children of God out of faith or because they’ve been taught to say that. I was one of those people. I didn’t have the feeling before that I have now. I didn’t feel like a sin was a violation of my RELATIONSHIP with God. A sin was simply something that I could confess away to a priest. Why did she have to go and open my eyes to the RELATIONSHIP I have with God? Now I have an image of letting God down–of truly failing when I make bad choices. I always hated disappointing my parents. But it’s more like the feeling I had when I realize that I am doing something that pains my husband.

Don’t worry, I’m not a criminal or anything and I’m a pretty nice person who does compassionate things for people. I just don’t treat myself very well, which was okay this morning when I woke up. Now it’s about keeping me away from God. Geez!

The beautiful part is I feel good about having my eyes opened. For anyone who has a C-PAP machine at home, they’ll understand the analogy of not realizing you weren’t resting until you get a really good night’s sleep. Whew! That’s the feeling I have right now. You don’t beat yourself up about not getting the machine earlier, you simply know you’ll never want to go to sleep again without it! Even better is when you take the steps to improve your health so that you are able to get that same good night’s sleep WITHOUT the machine!

Of course, I’ll take little baby steps toward treating myself better and not being so hard on myself. There’s a lot to work out, but it’s like the beginning stages of a courtship where you only want to put your best foot forward.

Having spent most of this semester reading the work of Mechtild de Magdeburg, a medieval mystic, I now truly understand the imagery of God as bridegroom–intellectually I understood it, but now I FEEL it. I knew there was a reason she “spoke” to me! The little blurb about “God and the soul” next to her name on the handout really was “speaking” to ME! It’s enough to make you giddy. It’s enough to make me try harder.

The only cloud over the day was that my epiphany came because my regular professor lost his brother. Knowing Tom, though, he would be one of the first to praise God for the very grace that I am witnessing to now. Nevertheless, I would be remiss not to offer my continued prayers for blessing and comfort for Tom and his family.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. Halleluia!

We’ve just passed the semester midpoint and things seem to be going well for me. I am adjusting to being a student again and having fewer hours to sleep. I’m doing well in my classes and enjoying the intellectual discourse that takes place inside and outside of class.

I find that I am seeking more answers to questions in the Word in the rest of my life. I am coming more often to Midday Prayer. There are some spiritual gifts that I have ignored that are no longer dormant. I feel compelled to pay attention now and to act on my intuition because it’s a blessing not to be wasted–even though I told a friend of mine last week that it was a pain. I know that it truly is by the grace of God that we have anything at all and that I was just being lazy and taking this gift for granted. My insights into the human spirit and the powerful connections that I am able to make with people are gifts that should not be taken for granted ever!

I am sharing more of my Aquinas experience with my fellow parishioners, so that they might follow any changes or happenings in the ministries that I touch and know that it is because I am learning something new. I want to be the bridge between my parish and Aquinas. There is a link on our church webpage, but I want parishioners to know more than what’s online. In return, I want the Aquinas community to get a better sense of the African American spirituality that comes with me every time I enter the building, and that spirituality is so much more than a “rockin’” choir.

There are times when I feel very confident, like I always knew exactly what I was meant to do and that Aquinas would merely compliment that. Still, there are other times when being at Aquinas makes me feel like I had no clue what I was doing at all. The beautiful part is that I know that both of these feelings are happening at the same time and that it all is part of God’s plan for me and I am learning to be still and listen to the Holy Spirit. I know that the person that will emerge will be one of substance, grounded in the Word, with a better knowledge of Tradition, and that Aquinas had something to do with that.

I have already registered and have my book list for next semester, so I’m ready to go. God willing, I’ll be back.

With the passing of Rosa Parks, I thought I would be really sad, but I am really angry. I am angry that she has left us and we are no better off than we are.

We still have interracial fights and intraracial fights. We have affirmative action and reverse discrimination. Our church teachings say treat homosexuals with dignity and compassion. But most states don’t have laws that make it illegal to fire someone for being gay. We have No Child Left Behind that is leaving too many children behind. We have desegregation and achievement gaps. We have the movie “Crash” and the 13-year-old Olsen twins of the white supremecist movement singing about hate. We have people who claim to be pro-life who are pro-death penalty.

And the saddest part is that the list could go on. Now our politicians in Washington are trying to pass a resolution to allow Rosa Parks to lie in state in the Capitol Rotunda. I’m even too jaded to feel good about it because it seems too much like “too good an opportunity to pass up” given how they botched relief efforts when Katrina hit. Remember, it wasn’t that long ago that we were hearing talk on t.v. about how things might have moved quicker had the people down south in need been wealthy and caucasian.

It would be nice if the motives were truly to allow people to pay their respects to an icon–to say goodbye to the woman who made it possible for so many people of color in this country to not only move from the back of the bus, but to have any opportunties at all.

I just wish we didn’t have so far to go. Nevertheless, I still have faith and that’s the only thing that makes this all worth it. Watching 21 African American and Jewish young people come together this summer in a program called Cultural Leadership to become change agents to dismantle racism, anti-semitism and other forms of discrimination makes it worth it.

I have faith that one day, like Rosa Parks, more of us will get mad enough because we’ve had enough and say “Enough”! I have faith that we will learn to love one another. After all, why else are we still here?

I will likely be stating the obvious for many who read this, but the purpose is to share how Aquinas is affecting my life, so here’s another piece.

I shared last time about helping the mother and her son (and six other children indirectly). I notice that I see people in need differently now than when I started at Aquinas. I even define “people in need” differently than I did before. I tend to be more Christ-centered now. When Christ is my focus, then I can empathize more. I am less judgmental when I use Him as my model. All of sudden, I can “see” the other person’s story unfold before my eyes. Then the person becomes a brother or a sister in Christ; not just a beggar or a bum.

I’ve listened to sermons and homilies all my life about how church is for the sick people (sinners) and if you’re perfect, then church is not the place for you. However, it finally hit me that church truly is for the people who need healing; especially the ones who believe they are the healers. Aquinas is opening my eyes to exactly how I will be able to serve my parish. However, even the doctor has to get a check-up every once in a while.

It’s not enough to just go to school and think that I will get all I need to know any more than it is enough to just go to church. I need both.

You know, when we go to the hospital, sometimes we get medicine. Well, we all know what the medicine is at church, but if we get off the meds as soon as we leave the church, then we are just the “walking wounded.”

For the first time in a long time I found myself excited about going to Mass to be healed–to receive the body and blood and to go back out and be Jesus to others. Often I am excited about seeing my friends or the youth or hearing a good homily, but not so focused on my time with God. So, yesterday I was excited to be in true worship, but something happened that took me away from Mass and I felt cheated. So, I went to Daily Mass today. It was nice to sit in that mini-community of people who come every day. I almost felt like an outsider among them, though. Still, I feel better having had my dose of Jesus.

What I hope to gain from my time at Aquinas will be the ability to observe what is going on around me for the people of God and the ability to help others get well when they need healing. But don’t worry…I’ll keep going for my check-ups, or else I won’t be any good to anybody else.

Jesus lives in all of us and the Holy Spirit was working in me one evening this week when I went to buy dinner.

On my way to the car, a woman walking with her son asked me for money for her car so she could get home. The car was across the street with the hood up. She pointed the car out just in case I wanted to see for myself. After going through purse pockets and jacket pockets, I realized I had no money to give her. I only had a credit card. I asked her if she was hungry and she said “Yes.”

So we went to Subway to get them something to eat, but their credit card machine was not operating. Luckily, the Chinese restaurant where I got my food was accepting credit card payments, so we went and ordered something for my new friends–2 whole orders of ham and pork fried rice, two orders of chicken wings (for a total of 6) and two large sodas. Most interesting was that she only asked for two half orders of the fried rice. I was the one who supersized the order.

When she asked where I went to church I realized that Jesus was present to her at that moment. Yet, what was most humbling was her desire to come worship at my church on Sunday and her unwillingness to take advantage. You see, she had six other children at home. I could also see the Jesus in her.

I got her name and her son’s name. I also hugged them both and wished them well. I have already said prayers for them and their family. I told her son that how he could repay me would be to do the same thing for someone else when he has the opportunity.

We are truly the body of Christ. I have never felt it like I did that night. May God continue to bless us all in a mighty way.

Aquinas has been good for me for so many reasons. I have met some wonderful people in the students, staff and faculty. I now even find myself engaging in theological conversations that I would have avoided. Perhaps the most interesting thing so far is the level of enjoyment that I received from homework.

I don’t remember receiving joy from writing papers. However, I enjoyed discerning over a topic in my Pro Seminar class. The research was fascinating. I enjoyed discovering parts of the Divinity Library. I enjoyed learning! I can feel myself growing as a person.

Now the question remains whether I will enjoy my grades. I would be disappointed if I did not do well, but not devastated. I learned something regardless of the grade. I am a better student because of the work. I am a better person because of the work.

Someone asked me what I would get out of returning to school. I finally have my answer…I will be a better servant.

I have to say that Law School really soured me on school. I spent the first two of three years feeling intimidated, humiliated and degraded on a regular basis and almost as a rite of passage–and this treatment came from many of my professors. The goal of preparing for class was primarily so that you could avoid embarrassment in front of your peers, but that fact was usually inevitable. Then there was the constant competition among my peers to make it to the top of the class because that’s where the respect and high-paying job offers existed. Well, I think telling you that my first job as an attorney right out of law school only paid me $25,000 annually should give you an idea of my class rank.

Now, don’t get me wrong, no dummies graduate from law school or pass the bar exam on the first try, which I did. However, when you take the best of the best and place them in the situation of “someone has to be first and someone has to be last” then many factors come into play, like whether your family is full of judges and lawyers who can help you wade through the trials and tribulations of law school and stay on top. As a first-generational college student, I certainly did not have that resource in my family, so I struggled for most of my time there. To be fair, a few professors, administrators and students tried to mentor and help me, but, all in all, I felt alone through law school and was not eager to go back to school if I had to endure more of “that” experience that I gladly said goodbye to in May 1994.

Well, I am happy to say that I did not give in to the Enemy and shy away from this opportunity here at Aquinas. I continue to try to follow what the Holy Spirit reveals for me in my life everyday and everything so far leads me to believe that this will be a wonderful four years of part-time study filled with hard work with lots of encouragement–from administrators, professors, staff and my peers.

I do have to admit that my husband tried to assure me that the typical graduate school experience is different from law school. He has his Masters in History and is hoping to begin working on his Ph.D, so I definitely valued his input. Additionally, as part of the Apollos Project, I took part in a retreat that laid a wonderful foundation for me because I was able to commune for a weekend with people called forth from their faith communities just as I had been and they were just as anxious as I was about the experience of going back to school after being away for a number of years.

Overwhelmingly, though, I have to say that the best part of beginning my studies at Aquinas has been the people of Aquinas. Orientation laid the foundation, where I realized that I have a wonderful advisor in Carolyn Wright, who had taken care of a lot of things for us already and had provided a nice guide for my four years of study. I have a roadmap to success, which makes me feel pretty good.

After my first week in both of my classes, Pro-Seminar and Intro to Theology, I felt reassured by my two professors, Ann Garrido and Thomas Esselman, respectively. They both have already shown me that this will be four years of learning how to enter into the “conversation that is Theology” and doing it in such a way that will teach us, while preserving our dignity as students and preserving the integrity of the institution.

I’m glad I have a holiday to begin some of this reading, but I am actually looking forward to learning again–something I had given up on after law school.